Why You Do What You Do: Understanding Your Core Motivations

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Some of us avoid conflict so well that we start thinking we’ve mastered peace. I was one of them—until avoiding conflict blew up in my face.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my tendency to smooth things over, stay agreeable, and avoid hard conversations wasn’t really about keeping the peace. It was about protecting myself. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping things calm on the outside. But beneath the surface, pressure was building—and eventually, it had nowhere else to go but out.

The fallout left me shaken. And it became the beginning of something beautiful: I started asking deeper questions. Why did I react that way? Why did I let it go on for so long? Why did I always put others’ comfort above my own clarity?

That’s when I started the journey of understanding my internal wiring—how God made me, what drives me, and what I’m afraid of. The Enneagram and DISC were two tools that helped me unlock answers I didn’t even know I was searching for.

What’s Beneath the Surface?

Scripture tells us plainly:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23

That word everything stopped me. Because it’s not just big life decisions that flow from the heart—it’s our reactions, our parenting style, our silence, our tone, our boundaries (or lack of them), and our need to either control or retreat.

The Enneagram: Core Fears and Desires

The Enneagram gave me a window into the why behind my reactions.

Each of the nine types is driven by a core fear (what we try to avoid at all costs) and a core desire (what we long for most deeply). For me, identifying my core fear—being in conflict or being seen as “too much”—helped me realize why I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up.

Maybe you:

• Crave affirmation and fear failure (Type 3)?

• Long for peace and fear conflict (Type 9)?

• Want to be right and fear being wrong (Type 1)?

• Need security and fear being unprepared (Type 6)?

Your Enneagram type doesn’t define you, but it does reveal patterns you’ve likely been carrying for years—some shaped by childhood, some by personality, and all held by a God who sees the whole picture.

DISC: How Your Wiring Shows Up in Parenting

While the Enneagram speaks to internal motivation, DISC shows how we express ourselves—especially under stress.

Here’s how your DISC type might play out in parenting:

• D (Dominance): You’re results-oriented and take charge, but may come across as harsh when kids push back.

• I (Influence): You’re fun-loving and relational, but may avoid discipline to keep the mood light.

• S (Steadiness): You’re calm and supportive, but may shy away from conflict or tough conversations (hello, this was me).

• C (Conscientiousness): You value order and precision, but may struggle when life feels messy or unpredictable.

I began to see how my S-wiring (Steadiness) contributed to my desire for harmony—even at the cost of necessary correction or truth-telling. I wasn’t setting firm boundaries. I was being “nice” instead of being clear.

But the moment I recognized that, I also recognized something else: God could use my natural empathy and steadiness for His glory—if I was willing to grow.

Reflection: What’s Flowing Out of You?

We are all reacting to something. Sometimes it’s a wound. Sometimes it’s a story we’ve told ourselves for years. Sometimes it’s our core motivation pulling strings we didn’t even realize were attached.

But once we name what’s going on beneath the surface, healing can begin. We can partner with God in the inner work that transforms not just how we react—but who we are becoming.

Action Step: Reflect and Journal

Choose a quiet moment this week and reflect on these:

1. Recall three recent moments where your Enneagram type or DISC style showed up in full force—especially in parenting, conflict, or leadership.

2. Write down what triggered it. What were you protecting, avoiding, or chasing?

3. Ask God what He might be showing you about your wiring—and how He wants to use it for His glory.

You don’t have to keep reacting out of old patterns. You were wonderfully wired—and now, you’re being lovingly refined.

Let’s stop living on autopilot and start living with awareness. Because behind every reaction is a reason—and behind every reason is a God who is gently calling us toward wholeness.

Still learning, still growing,

M.